This is the first chance I have actually had this whole week to sit at my computer. I have just been busy with the kids and a few unexpected social occasions (a play-date, joining my mom for bookclub, playgroup, dinner with a good friend and another dinner). I had been intending to sort a few admin things out and plan an online course in detail this weekend, but it does not look like I will get a chance. Life has other plans for me at the moment. It is so funny how these things work. It has been months since I have had a busy social life and even the most basic plans to get together with friends have usually fallen through. Then suddenly the dry spell is over and I actually have to turn down invites.  So I have experienced a social theme. The energy and central ‘themes’ for our lives continually change. They are influenced by our own personal emotional and spiritual growth, priorities, as well as the seasons and the movements of the planets at that particular time. Apart from this current social theme, I have also had the increasing feeling that I am needed for healing/listening in various people’s lives right now. These are mainly people close to me but also a few acquaintances have unexpectedly broken down and confided in me. Often when this happens, the person is surprised at themselves and embarrassed, yet this is something I have become quite used to in my life, even out of a work environment. I guess you are what you are and for whatever reason, people just do open up to me. In all honesty it is an honour that they trust me in that way. Anyway, I feel that right now I do not need to try and fix things in the lives of the people I care about. Right now, I am being guided to simply be present for them and listen. This is what I have been doing and continue to plan to do. It is not always easy when you have a tendency to take on other people’s stuff and have a strong desire to eliminate their suffering. Not easy when you want to be able to take their pain away and ‘fix’ all the things that weigh down on their shoulders or make them sad. But, one of the lessons I have learnt on this long journey is that I can’t always do that. Most of us can’t. Each person walks their own path and experiences their own pain. We should not judge. We should try our best to empathise, even though we can never fully comprehend another person’s experiences like our own. We can not tell them what to do or fix their problems and often they don’t actually want us to anyway. What people want most of all, is to simply be acknowledged. More than to be loved, to be acknowledged. To show someone that you really ‘see them’ and acknowledge their feelings, is the greatest gift you can give them. As Oriah Mountain Dreamer said, “I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. “  So, the lesson is that if you want to be there for someone in your life, just listen, really listen, to them. That will help them in more ways then you could ever comprehend. Acknowledge their feelings, open your heart and just listen. We can all benefit from a bit of that.

I love my country and more specifically my city, Cape Town, the city were I was born and have spent most of my life. I love our beautiful Table Mountain, the vineyards and countryside, the sea and beautiful views. I love the South African hospitality, local products and art, good food and sense of humour. I certainly hope our visitors will enjoy all of these things when they come for the World Cup in less than 2 weeks time. They say Africa gets under your skin and you can’t wash her off (the movie Blood Diamond was illustrates this perfectly) and I think it is true. If you were born on this beautiful yet savage continent a part of your heart will always belong here. And yet, despite all of this I have never really had a feeling of fitting here. Strange I know and I can’t pin point it. I grew up always feeling like my destiny was elsewhere and that one-day I would leave. As a white South African in turbulent times I think this feeling has grown. South Africa is my home and yet it often doesn’t feel like home. What makes it home for me, is really my family. When I was 21 I did leave my home country and lived in London for just over 4 years. I love London and made a good life for myself there, but it too never really felt like home. Throughout my life I have had an interest and fascination for France, the French Language, art and culture and when I first visited the country, it felt familiar and welcoming to me. I would have loved to have lived in the beautiful city of Strasbourg for a year or so and of course Lyon and Paris are magical cities, to say nothing of what I have seen of the French countryside.  I love the place, but on all my visits, it has also never felt like home.  At this point one could get all philosophical and reflect on such sayings as ‘home is where the heart’ is and you ‘take your home with you’, which of course are all true but besides the point of this, now rather rambling, blog post!

The point of this post is actually to mention some of my dreams. I have been getting the message recently to pay attention to my dreams. This past week I have dreamt of India twice. On the first occasion I dreamt I visited India with my family. The images, sounds and smells of the country were so vivid. The swirling colours of saris, the pungent mixed smell of spices, human flesh and incense; the noise of bells, whistles, music and car horns. That is one of the most significant things about visiting India – it is a sensory overload. Every inch of your body feels awake. In my next dream, I actually awoke, went to the toilet and then when I returned to bed, simply slipped straight back into the same dream and continued from there.  It too was vivid and I should have written all the little details down as now they are blurry in my mind. What I do remember was buying herbs and vegetables from some street venders. I was in Mumbai and close to the sea and the Gate of India. I was amidst the hustle and bustle of the busy streets, yet close enough to smell the salt in the air blown from the sea. I was aware how each vendor was hoping I would choose their produce and how by doing so, I would feed their family. In the dream, everything felt familiar, I was speaking Hindi and on a first-name basis with the people. I remember their bright smiles and friendly faces. My dream made me remember the feel of India and just how she, like her sister Africa, gets under your skin. She too is a beautiful yet savage continent, a place on this Earth you either love or hate. I place that challenges you in every way. My dream made me remember how it felt to be there and what it felt like to be home.
I am awake now, but I can still hear her calling me…

- On looking at all my old school books and reports, I realized that I did far better at university then I ever did at school. Was that due to age, self-confidence, experience or just plain luck?

- Potential means nothing. Life is all about action!

- How many old school books should a person keep?

- Fischer Price toys are timeless.

- If you are going to store old toys and objects for future generations, do it well. Perhaps those air-tight bags advertised in the glomail ads would do the trick?

- Dust is a bitch to clean.

- I have too much stuff.

—–

- Croupe is a scary illness! If you are a parent, buy a nebuliser and a humidifier now!

- When your child is sick, the world stops.

- The doctors and nurses at N1 City emergency were amazing!

- No matter how you tell your 2 year old, that the scary X-Ray machine is “a lovely camera for taking photos inside your sister’s body”, it will still be scary. Even to you.

- I have two very brave and loving daughters.

- My children make me vulnerable. That quote about once you have a child you wear your heart outside your body, is just so right!

- Always count your blessings and make health be at the top of your list!

It is 11.50 on Christmas Eve. By the time I finish this post it most likely will be Christmas.
Today has been a busy day. I did not get everything done that I had hoped to do, but managed the most important bits. I went to say goodbye to my good friend, only to decide saying goodbye on Christmas Eve felt just wrong and so the tearful farewell would have to somehow be postponed. Instead we ate shortbread and drank tea, the girls played dress-up and Amy admired the beautiful tree. I then rushed to the supermarket for one or two things, decorated the table at my mom’s house (aqua, white and silver theme which looks too beautiful) and rushed back home in time for leaving yet again, this time to visit my mother-in-law. On the way back, we decided to pop in to see my folks. We felt merry, wanted to do the finishing touches on the table and let the girls visit my parents. I took some time to go into their lounge. The traditional Christmas Carols played and the lights on the large beautiful tree all glittered. I love that room in the evening and especially on Christmas Eve. It makes you believe. Perhaps not in Santa J, but that beauty and love and hope and faith do exist after all. It makes you believe in the magic and the wonder of Christmas. I sat for a moment and enjoyed it. So did Amy, who took pleasure in seeking out each decoration and noting the bowls of chocolates, nuts and fruit dainties displayed everywhere. Later in the evening, once we were back home and the children safely tucked in bed, dreaming of the sound of bells and reindeer hooves on the roof, we played Santa. Craig wrapped all the gifts and we placed them under our lovely tree. The lights on our tree twinkled and the gifts lay expectantly underneath. I think that Christmas Eve is even better than Christmas itself. Better because it is more exciting and full of promise.

It is now 12.05 – Merry Christmas!!!!

Other than my beloved Food and Home and the occasional Cape Town Child or Living and Loving, I don’t read many magazines anymore. Recently I looked at one of my mom’s House and Leisure Magazines. What beautiful things. From amazing homes to couches, tables, linen, chandeliers, interesting places to eat at and be seen. I saw a table I liked that was R34000! It was nothing special, just a wooden table. (In another magazine I saw a chandelier that cost a million rand. Even if I had that kind of money I could not justify that kind of indulgence. ) When I look at the society pages with all the ‘beautiful people’ with their designer clothes, boob jobs and plastic smiles, I feel so removed. Don’t get me wrong I am not a ‘reverse-snob’ and like a true Taurean I really love pretty things and socializing, and would happily attend a cocktail party or gallery opening if anyone ever cared to invite me, but it all just looked so put on and artificial. That just isn’t my life. It got me thinking about how I also feel so out of touch with the kind of prices everything costs nowadays. I can’t help but wonder, am I the norm or are they? Do people really pay R50000 for a couch? Now days I even recoil in horror at Woolworths’s prices and consider myself lucky to find anything worthwhile for under R100. Belonging to a dinner club keeps me fairly up to date on the restaurant scene, but if it weren’t for that I would really feel disconnected from things as we no longer even go to the Spur! I can’t help but feel left behind. I am no longer trendy. In fact my clothes are rather boring and out of date. My home is furnished simply even though I may desire a few stunning designer items here and there. Part of me cares, but to be honest most of me is rather relieved. Times have changed, pockets have changed and in the process so have my priorities. Yoga changed the way I viewed material things. I have been very blessed in life and have always had more than enough of what I both need and desire. I have and will always love nice things and unfortunately most of those nice things do come with an expensive price tag, but yoga and recently circumstance has made me understand on a deeper level how those things are not really important and can never fulfill me. People talk about happiness and wanting to be happy. Most people attempt to make themselves happy by buying material objects, attaining some measure of power, status or wealth, or by giving in to desire (For more on this fascinating topic, read the incredible Victor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning). In time they learn that these pleasures are just trappings of a shallow society and like all things in a consumer-driven society, are short lived. What follows tends to be an existential crisis as everything they believed is proven to be a lie. The truth is that happiness is very simple and does not involve a R50000 couch, no matter how pretty it may be. Simple and yet elusive, as it lies deep within us all. Unless we are in touch with who we truly are, it will continue to elude us.

So I feel a bit out of synch with life, the trends, the fashion, the buzz. So, I am starting to feel my age, starting to recognize how my attitude and priorities have changed. I neither envy nor pity the people in the photos or those who are able to live the high life. I am just fascinated that I can no longer relate to any of it. What matters to me now are not what clothes I may wear or what car my friend’s drive, what job my husband has or where I ate my last meal. What matters to me now is honesty, down-to-earth truth and deep conversations with like-minded friends, love that is not hidden but boldly expressed, connecting with nature and learning how to be more in tune with the planet, precious time with family, creative expression, quiet time, wholesome food and the pure joy expressed on the faces of my children as they experience the wonder of life each day. As for my own happiness, it flows forth from all of that, and of course like all of us, remains a work in progress.

A while ago I wanted to write a post about spiders, but just never got around to actually doing it. Well, this is now it! I no longer have a maid and for the past 2 weeks, I confess (sorry environment) I have been tumble drying our clothes instead of hanging them on the line in the drying yard by my kitchen. As the weather was nice and hot today, I decided to hang some things up on the line and discovered to my horror, that due to neglect, most of the area and the clothes-line was covered in cobwebs. As I am really trying to look on the bright side of life at the moment I thought I could just close the door, leave things as they are and hey presto no need to buy decorations for Halloween! Yip, I have the whole creepy, scary thing going on in my yard. Jokes aside it was rather gross and made my skin crawl, so I took the hosepipe, said a few ‘I’m sorry spiders” prayers and washed and scraped the lot away. While I nuked the spider home, I found myself thinking about the same issue I wanted to write about a while ago regarding spiders. At the time, I was going to entitle the post “Who killed my karma?” as my karma has been up to sh!t lately and I could not help wondering if my going on a spider rampage had anything to do with it. Spiders are not my favourite thing. Actually, I am sure they are not most people’s favourite thing (unless you are a greasy haired, fairly creepy, forty year old bloke still living with your mom in a cramped flat and keep the hairy creatures for a hobby). I think it is simple biology. Somewhere in our genes there exists cellular memory where we remember that spiders can kill us. The fact that they are usually hairy and creepy looking, just adds to the fear factor. Even though I am not a fan of spiders I have never really been afraid of them and have always had a ‘live and let live’ policy. I am not a Buddhist but I believe in Karma and try and practice ahimsa/non-violence as a way of life. This used to work for me. Now, well, it is a bit more tricky.

When I was teaching yoga I had a very strong philosophy of not hurting or killing anything. I moved many a spider from rooms in the house to save them from an awful fate. At one stage I had a giant Rain Spider (ok, this was before I learnt that they could bite), affectionately named Henry, that lived in my room for two weeks until we could catch and release him. I teased those who were afraid of them(sorry, Rich) and could not relate to others who would stamp on a spider without a second thought. At the time, many spiders would come into the downstairs area/yoga studio room in the house. I was forever finding and removing the creatures, thankfully most of the time before class. I am not sure why but they were obviously attracted to the energy or just fancied the environment – after all yoga when you have 8 legs must be rather fun. Occasionally the little blighters would make an appearance during class, causing absolute hysterics amongst the students until I could remove them. I was always peaceful, fearless and in control, while internally talking to the creature and reassuring it, it would be ok (while occasionally threatening it that if it made a sudden move, it would be a gonner). I really believed in that approach. I think my students viewed my ability with spiders to be both impressive and repulsive at the same time. I recall one day when a really big Rain Spider showed up at the start of class. He had his yoga mat and everything (No, just kidding and checking you are paying attention). I had this old Italian woman in the class who was quite a character and she spotted the spider at the same time as I did. The rest of the class was shrieking and taking cover, while the mad Italian mama launched herself, rolled yoga mat in hand, towards the spider ready to squash it. Needless to say, I launched forth, shouting, “No, not in here, it is bad karma”. When I think back to times like these I am surprised more people didn’t view me as a total nutcase! (It is all about who you surround yourself with, you see!) Anyway, much to her disgust, I rescued the creature and that was that.

Those were the good old days but now you see, I have two young children. Everything in my world has shifted and I am not so keen of having potentially harmful spiders wandering around my garden, where my daughter plays. A few months ago, while pottering around I came across a few scary looking ones and killed them. Then I found another and another (from Ghandhi to Hitler!) Daddy long-legs and fly-spiders don’t bite and are allowed to live but the rest I am afraid have to go. Just the other day, Amy was playing with a bucket from the garden and was putting it on her head, when I caught a glimpse of a tiny spider on it. On closer inspection, I saw it had four red dots on its round body and although it was a baby, it was in fact a button spider! They are very dangerous and so my spider rampage continued and was sent to meet its maker. Before I kill a spider I always say a little prayer and apologise, mainly because it just feels wrong and I am sure the karma is really bad. So, as much as I want to protect my children and am trying to find a balance between being neurotic and blasé, I still don’t like killing an innocent creature. As a young child, I had the feeling that if I kill a spider I will return one day to the world in a form that is smaller than a spider and the giant, hairy, scary thing will devour me as a form of revenge! I guess I can’t shake that feeling!

I think I watched Dirty Dancing about 20 times as a child. Patrick Swayze was my hero and in my mind, I danced with him just as Baby does in the movie. I am sure I am not the only woman who remembers the movie so fondly!

Memories, unlike people, live forever.

Rest in peace Patrick.

I have been thinking a lot about love lately. Probably due to various blog posts and this fascinating site Pia sent me to (Le Love), as well as being busy working on more Love affirmations for one of my i-Phone apps (yes this is me punting my stuff). They say love makes the world go round and I guess it is true. I wrote somewhere once that Love is the answer to everything and in many ways I do believe that to be true. If you have love in your life, you are a very rich man/woman. Love is probably the only thing really worth both living for and dying for. Love is our greatest teacher in life. Through experiencing love we learn about each other and most of all, about ourselves. Love can brighten up the gloomiest day and the lack of love can make a warm summer’s night feel lonely and cold. Experiencing love energetically opens up your heart and welcomes more positive experiences in, while the loss of love creates an energetic cocoon around your auric field, that in time functions more as a cage. It takes courage to love, to open ourselves up to another for in that action we risk it all. And yet, what choice do we have in this life, but to love? It is our nature.
When we talk of love, we tend to automatically think of romantic, passionate love, but there are many different kinds of love (Anyone who has attended as many Christian weddings as I have will have listened to the ‘Agape’ speech many times). While all those different forms of love are important to acknowledge, in this case I don’t wish to talk about them. I do wish to talk about romantic, passionate, pulse-accelerating love. Being in-love has to be the best feeling in the universe. It is a totally natural high. It is just a pity that it usually doesn’t last! In time all things alter (remember this post?)  and usually into some lesser, or at least more comfortable and therefore less exciting thing. What got me thinking along these lines, was a post by Louise and I wanted to take this opportunity to salute her and her husband as well as my own parents and couples like them who after so many very long years together are still in-love. I think it is wonderful and actually very rare. These days it is a challenge for couples to stay married for 5 years, let alone 35. From car engines to dishwashers to romantic love, nothing seems to last. And we just seem to accept it – out with the old, in with the new.  I admire people who have kept the spark alive. I think it is heartwarming when you feel the love between two people, a love that has stood the test of time. I am not talking about people who have been together a long time as I know plenty couples who have been married for years but are bitterly unhappy, where compassion has turned to complacency and passion to pity. I know plenty people who live past each other, who barely seem to even notice each other anymore. And then there is the majority of couples who are ok with the status quo, comfortable with each other but their hearts don’t exactly skip a beat when their partner enters the room. When I read the way Dragonfly refers to her man, you can just tell this is not the case. I knew a woman who had been married for over 40 years and told me of how she and her husband were born on the same day in the same hospital. When she spoke of him, her eyes lit up. That is what I am talking about. That is true love. That is what makes the world go round.

Firstly a very happy 1st birthday to little Sarah for today.  The sun came out to say hi, just for you. Hope you had a good day. They grow really fast from here Ron, so enjoy it!

It was the main Gemini in my life’s birthday last Thursday and it was a special one as he turned 40! I can’t believe my husband is middle-aged, but as I said to him, forget the bit about being over the hill – just keep on climbing. Thank you to all of you who wished him and who came to his party. We had a casual boerewors braai at my parent’s house, for close friends and family in the evening and even the kids stayed up late and managed rather well. John brought his Juke box and it was lots of fun (thanks for that!) I hijacked Pia’s camera as I left mine at home and took what I hope are some nice (and perhaps some crazy)photos. I look especially forward to seeing the ones of Amy and Rowan sitting and playing so nicely together on the steps. I made my hubbie a vanilla and strawberry cream cake and my aunt made her divine Jerusalem pudding (not sure why it is called that, but it is so yummy) which also went down well. All in all it was an enjoyable night. My kids were exhausted the next day, but it was worth it as these special occasions don’t come around often.

On the Friday we went off to Langebaan for a few days. I caught a cold but was managing ok, while my mom ended up staying in bed with flu and as a result my parents only came down on the Saturday. The weather was pretty cold and horrible, but Amy still managed a few trips to the beach and had a good time. She kept trying to put her bathing costume on and despite the cold could not understand why I would not let her swim. She really loves it there and is so relaxed and happy. It also helps having all her favourite people around her. If one could add her uncle and great aunts to the mix, she’d be in heaven.  My brother actually spent the weekend in Clainwilliam and had a bit of an incident the one night with a man trying to break in through the window of their holiday cottage. Fortunately he ran away and was obviously alone and unarmed. I am grateful for that and that Rich and Sion were both ok. It must have been scary though. Then on Monday night, there was a break-in at the Plattekloof house. The alarm went off and the burglars fled without taking anything. Apparently there were three break-ins in the area over the long weekend. This news was horrible. I must admit although I enjoyed my time in Langebaan it was not relaxing this time for me as Nina has been out of sorts. Since turning 3 months old, she has been crying a lot and has been niggly. This is the age most babies get better, and she has been such an angel, so this is all rather upsetting. For the last 5 days she has also woken every three hours during the night (after previously sleeping through most nights), so I can only hope this is a phase and that she will be back to normal soon. I need to just figure out what is bugging her. In the meantime her rash continues and after two visits to the pediatrician, one visit to my GP and speaking to the pharmacist I am still no nearer to it being cleared up. It is distressing. I am trying a new cream now but if it too does not work, my next option will be a homeopath or skin specialist. I had another rash incident (maybe this means something?) – We also had a bit of scare with Amy. She developed a rash around her mouth that within minutes spread to her whole body. We stripped her down to her nappie and literally all watched it forming in horror. Eventually I pinpointed the cause – nuts. She had eaten two cashew nuts and it seems she is allergic. It was very scary and is strange as no-one on either side of the family is allergic to nuts. Now I have to be very careful with what she eats. Fortunately she never stopped breathing, as can happen, but then she did only eat two! Oh, what a weekend!

Recently, well for the past 2 years actually, I have not been in a very spiritual place. Perhaps one could call it, “The dark night of the soul”, but I think that would be overly dramatic. I have simply been preoccupied. In these two years I have been busy with an honours degree in psychology and with the all-encompassing pregnancy, birth and care of my two beautiful baby girls. So, my focus has been elsewhere and that has been fine and how it should be, but in the process of turning away from my spirituality, I turned away from myself, my fulfillment and connection to spirit. This is important, because apart from true happiness, being disconnected from spirit and the flow of life, has led I believe to a lot of negative energy and a cycle of (for lack of a better phrase) bad luck. I have felt bewildered for a while over this stuck energy and lack of positive changes in my life and those close to me. Recently I had a dream. In that dream, I entered a shop in a centre. It was a lovely shop, selling interesting things, but the name of the shop was “Powerless”. When I awoke and analysed my dreams, as I do, I marveled at how amazing our subconscious mind is. The name of the shop, in bright letters, accurately described the predominant feeling I have been experiencing in my life. I got the message. Don’t get me wrong, I have not been depressed, or suffering in all areas of my life. In fact, in general I manage pretty well and life is good. I am a strong person and many areas of my life (especially that regarding my family), are thriving and fulfilling, for which I feel truly blessed. It is just that in certain areas there is a need for a shift in energy, more positive events and progress. I know it is a recession and the general global mood is pretty negative and one of ‘lack’ and all that, but still that does not cut it! For a while now I have identified that energy is blocked, I just have done nothing to fix it. For a while, I think I even forgot that I had the power and ability to create the life I want and became like a leaf just floating with the river, even if that river wasn’t particularly going anywhere. Things started to change just before my birthday. I have been trying to figure out how to be of use to the world once again, to make money, have a sense of freedom and independence, all while not having to leave my children in the care of anyone else or have them suffer in any way. This is tricky. I came up with an idea and have slowly been working on it with my wonderfully talented husband (more about this later). Then recently, while doing some research on the internet, I came across a gratitude journal and a woman who spoke about the secret to life being “To Give and to Give thanks”. This resonated with me. I realised how at one point my life was all about giving (although I had to learn lessons there too – like establishing boundaries, not being burnt out etc) and now it was not. Of course, I give all day to my children, but in terms of working with others, things had come to a halt. Even the charity work /karma yoga I used to do, had stopped. Next, there was the part about giving thanks. Strangely enough, I had just created the rhymesandreasons blog and typed my 5 reasons to be grateful on it(see above), so this resonated with me. I understood I needed to practice gratitude daily and stop focusing on what was wrong or needed improving in my life. The secret is to focus on what is right. My brain had been processing this for about a week, until I think there was a shift and I truly got it. Every day now I am giving thanks and have just started a gratitude journal. Those wonderful synchronistic events that were once an everyday occurrence in my life, have now returned and I have encountered numerous references to gratitude journals and the importance of giving thanks (even in the You magazine that I acquired by accident). I then watched a DVD on positive thinking and The Law of Attraction, based on the teachings behind The Secret and even more synchronistic occurrences have resulted these past few days!
I now feel a shift and it fills me with energy, enthusiasm and strength. Nothing major has changed so far, except, and most importantly, my attitude. You see, it all comes down to attitude and while I apply that positive approach to many areas of my life, I have now vowed to apply it to all.
So, watch this space. Magic is happening.